Funny!

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to
myself,' Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the
catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a
wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman
I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister,
and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close
together as possible.
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only
once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of
a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll
become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a
jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every
now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds
back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people
would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does
bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until
noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it
had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you
grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But
everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal